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February Hope

The prompts for February are: Adjusting, Hoping, Surviving, Befriending, and Awakening. I’m happy to write along with other Chronic Illness bloggers in the A Chronic Voice blog linky. These monthly prompts always get me to think.
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Adjusting
Life with multiple chronic illnesses seems to be a life of constant adjustments. There are the awful side effects to adjust to each time we get a new medication. The last five years, it seems that I have been in a constant state of adjusting to new drugs.
It sounds simple, but it’s hard to describe how bad it is. I never counted all the drugs that I’ve tried and failed. And, the many drugs that I’m still on, have had long, gradual titrations. With all the drugs there is gradual misery. Starting a new drug for week 1, 2, 3, and it seems forever until I’m at a full dose.
Being sensitive to medications, I seem to get most of the bad side-effects. How many days have I slept through my life, or been so groggy that I was basically non-functional. The many weeks and months of nausea kept me from eating healthy. Subsisting on crackers and sprite just because of all the pills.
My family has also had to adjust to the new and ever-worsening me. They’ve adjusted with many different emotions and reactions. There has been a little pity, but mostly love and care. I’m blessed to have such support.
Hope
Getting through each day of my life would be rotten without hope. Every morning, hope is what I think about. I hope that my medicine suddenly works wonders. I hope that my feet won’t hurt so bad. I hope that the nausea will stop and my joints won’t hurt. So much hope. Even though I’m not getting better, I won’t stop hoping.
My hope is founded in the trust I have in God. My relationship with Him gives me hope. I trust God to sustain me and He always does.
Surviving
There are some days that the only word to describe my life is that I’m surviving. There are days when the pain is too severe and the fatigue overwhelming. Those days are spent on the couch, under a blanket. Some days when my vision is terrible, the only thing to do is stream some new series and the day goes by a little faster.
Befriending
It’s hard to have friends when your life is so different. Because I’m an introvert, I never had a large group of friends. In the last few years, I’ve lost one friend. She doesn’t understand how I can’t be getting better. She doesn’t understand how I can’t get out and about. My other friend is still there, but we haven’t seen each other in months. I hate planning an outing, because I almost never feel good.
Awakening
My life has been full of awakenings. Some awakenings come about because of maturing, new diagnosis’s, and family changes. But, I love change, so almost all of these awakenings have been positive. I’m not looking for any new awakenings. I’m very content in my present life. It’s a hard life, but there are many comforts.
@2019, copyright Lisa Ehrman

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