Chronic Illness

When I Am Weak

After my awful experience the other day, I’m trying to get back to my normal. Unfortunately, I’m not close to that. My pain levels are terrible and there is nothing getting done. It’s not that I’m feeling sorry for myself, but I’m just numb.
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Thankfully, I’ve been alone for a few days. I’m not able to talk to anyone so it’s good that no one is here. It’s bad when you don’t even want to cuddle with your sweet dog. Every time there is a new diagnosis I go through a time of grieving. And, we all know the worst stage….anger.
The last few years, almost every time I go for medical tests there is a new diagnosis or a potential one. My list of diseases and disorders is soooo long and growing. Many of them have studies telling me that the prognosis is scary. This disorder can bring on this disorder, or makes me 2-5 times more likely to die of this disorder.
How would you feel if you were constantly told that you may die? Well, you may know how I feel. Because the spot on my breast is nothing to ignore, I’m waiting to get it checked out. How long will I wait? Who knows. It’s all a waiting game with chronic illnesses.
Right now, I can’t walk to the kitchen without getting short of breath. It will be another month before I see the cardiologist again. She said she might increase my medication then, if it’s not helping at this tiny dose. It’s always waiting, and life is passing me by.
I’m not depressed, really. I have too much to live for and be thankful for. I have a lot of time needed to spend with my grandchild and family. I just wish that I could get a little help feeling good enough to visit them. I even want to be a help to them, and not a burden.
When faced with new diagnosis’s, I find it very necessary to face the stages of grief alone. Well, at the least some of the time, I’m just not able to talk. I have to take it all in and learn all I can about the disease. I read all I can online. I like to see the medical studies and read the abstracts.
Being honest, the more diseases I get, the more isolated I am. I choose the isolation, partly because I’m an introvert, partly because I’m tired of trying to get my loved ones to understand, and partly because I’m feeling sorry for myself. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, but sometimes it can’t be stopped.
Many people pray for me and I need prayers. I pray for myself. God wants me to trust Him and I do. There is a purpose for everything and down deep I have a peace. This peace tells me that He has me in His hands. I can get through anything, because He’s with me, even if I die.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. II Corinthians 12:9-11
I’m not quite able to delight in weaknesses, but will thank Him anyway. God gives me so much mercy! Whatever you’re going through, I know that you can also find mercy in Christ. God bless.
@2019, copyright Lisa Ehrman
Disclaimer: I’m not a medical expert. All posts contain only my opinions and personal experiences. If you have any medical problems, please consult your personal physician.

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