August is almost over and hope for improvement this month is gone. With each new month, I feel a strong urge to believe that something good will happen and some part of my chronic illness list will be improved.
But, as usual, there has been no improvement. Even though I know it isn’t true, the first thing I do is blame myself. If only I had done this or that, I think to myself. I know this is stupid to think, but it’s part of my upbringing to be hard on myself. The battle to feel guilty and worthless comes to me much too often.
I hate this battle. Many times I can just dismiss it and win temporarily. But, when I’ve been very sick for weeks on end it’s so hard to be a warrior. That’s when I get weary and think too much. When I give in to the misery there needs to be a time of grieving. I’ve grown accustomed to these periods and let them run their course.
As I suffer, time continues to march ahead. Outside are all the people who get to go about their business and live normal lives. People drive cars, do errands, walk in the park, or go out to eat. Most of them don’t realize what a glorious privilege it is to be healthy.
The last few weeks has been painful. My flare with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome has worn me down in every way. My only accomplishments have occurred siting in my recliner. Archie and I will continue to sit here and look like we’re relaxing. But, inside my head I fight to relax and trust God that He has a good purpose for my life.
When the flare stops and the grieving ends I know my heart will feel lighter. I’m thankful that these times of mourning don’t last long. God is good to lift my burden.
Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. Ps 55:22
@2019, copyright Lisa Ehrman