A Beautiful And Painful Month

May is a beautiful month. Everything turns green and warmer breezes freshen the view. It’s my birthday month and the time to celebrate Mother’s Day. I love May. It’s a beautiful and painful month.

I’m happy to join A Chronic Voice for this Chronic Illness Linky. Our May prompts are fitting with the time of pandemic. I hope and pray that you are all safe and well. Here are some of my thoughts.

Forseeing

I should have Forseen the reality that I’m living in. Last May, I turned 57. I was dealing with all the same physical problems that I have now. I weighed about 20 pounds less on that day. I looked forward over the coming year and thought that improvements would happen.

I envisioned losing weight and feeling better. I hoped that there would be a new treatment that could have me with better health by this May. This didn’t happen. I gained more weight, still can’t tolerate exercise, and there are no new treatments. I still have all the crappy treatments that I had last year and I don’t feel any better.

Panicking

When the reality of the pandemic hit me it was hard not to experience a feeling of panic. The knowledge of what the virus does to someone with many health conditions was truly frightening. After I decided that locking down was the only choice for me, it gradually became less scary.

With prayer and acceptance that this was the long-term reality for me, the panicking has gone away. I feel comfortable in the situation and continue to pray for me, my family, and all of us!

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

Upbringing

Wow! This term carries a ton of emotions. I don’t like to talk about this word. My upbringing created many conflicting feelings. In one way, I look at the facts of my upbringing: middle class, church-going, and protected. In other ways my upbringing created: stressful, unstable, and trauma-filled years.

The upbringing that I had did shape my character. I realized that I was a fighter and could survive anything. I became a hard-worker, honest, and determined. Those good character traits make me thankful and I can always say how much I learned from the bad times.

Beautiful

Accessing

The pandemic lockdown has made accessing certain products more difficult. I’ve had to find new ways to purchase toilet paper! It’s not always been the best quality, but it works. I did fear the ability to access the Hydroxychloroquine that I’ve been taking for 2 years. I really worry each time that my prescription refill comes due. But, I’ve had no trouble getting it filled.

This drug, used to treat my Sjogren’s Syndrome, has been in short supply in many areas. I feel terrible for those who can’t get their prescriptions filled. Because I’m so used to shopping online, the new restrictions on shopping haven’t affected me at all.

Soothing

This word is really nice. Soothing. When I think of soothing, I think of flowing water, a heating pad placed on a sore muscle, or the most peaceful music. During this time, I have been looking for more ways to soothe the stressful mood that comes. I’ve had some terrible days lately, with extra pain, nausea, and headaches.

As I’ve often said, many days of this type of suffering brings a depressive mood. There are only so many days in a row that I can take. As I’ve tried to avoid all Advil, because of my kidneys, my pain has been out of control.

The last few days I got to the point that I couldn’t take it any more. I am taking Advil now, and trying to limit how many I take. It’s so unfair that I have to sacrifice my kidneys in order to get a limited amount of pain relief.

With all the pain-causing conditions that I have, I should be able to get stronger pain medicine. Playing a balancing game that ends with kidney failure is a horrible predicament to find yourself in. Other countries do much better treating chronic pain than we do here. I pray that something will change.

@2020, copyright Lisa Ehrman

Disclaimer: I’m not a medical expert. My opinions here are not to be taken as medical advice. If you have a medical concern, please consult your personal physician.

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14 Responses

  1. Cynthia says:

    Glad to hear that you have been able to access your medication. I know it’s been a struggle for some people.

  2. Coping with chronic pain is challenging enough, never mind lockdown and reduced access to aids. I’m struggling with my eye pain but fortunately my medication was delivered on request. I think we miss our social crutches during this time as well, whether that be coffee mornings with friends, a walk with the dog, or whatever helps take our minds off the pain for a short time.

    • Lisa says:

      I’m happy to hear that you received your medicine. It certainly is harder to get the things we need. I hope that your eye pain will improve. Mine continues and is so hard to deal with. Hope that you can soon enjoy some social time with friends 🙂

  3. Anne says:

    I’m glad you’ve been able to get your medication but sorry you’ve had to balance one against your pain. My Sister-in-law is the same as she can cause kidney damage with one of her vital medications. May is generally a lovely Spring Month, I am loving all the blossom and blooming flowers right now. I just wish I could get out into more countryside. Take care.

    • Lisa says:

      I hate to hear about your Sister-in-law’s dilemma. It isn’t fair 🙁 I hope and pray for alternatives. I hope that we’ll all be able to get out and enjoy the lovely weather soon!

  4. Niamh says:

    Happy Birthday month! I’m in a similar situation with weight. My meds cause “unusual weight gain” that’s the first warning on them. It’s difficult to take on fitness when our bodies have a mal adaptive nervous system fighting against us. It’s terrible you have to choose between meds and your kidneys. I hope you get a review at some stage to find an alternative. Take care x

  5. Lisa says:

    Thank you! I had a great and quiet birthday yesterday 🙂 Oh, I’m sorry to hear that you are also fighting medicine-weight gain. Yes, having these multiple problems makes it impossible! But, we have to make choices. I’m considering now the option of pursuing alternative medicines.

  6. Kathy says:

    Hi, Lisa. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a painful month, but I do understand the struggle to manage pain without doing damage to other organs. I have to limit my tylenol usage for my liver. NSAIDS manage my pain better, but chew up my stomach. I’ve had a painful month as well recuperating from my broken shoulder on top of fibromyalgia, and osteoarthritis. Sending hugs your way.

    • Lisa says:

      Sending very gentle hugs to you! It sounds like you and I need some better pain treatment. I’m so sorry about your broken shoulder! I broke mine one year ago in April, and it was a horrific experience. The osteoarthritis in that shoulder is now so much worse. I hope that you heal quickly.

  7. Katherine says:

    Thanks for your post. I like your description of May weather (its the start of rainy season where I live, so I forget other people have other weather) Glad to hear you have still been able to get meds and toilet paper. Sorry to hear about having to do the balancing act with health/pain. Hopefully things will change.

    • Lisa says:

      Yes, we don’t think about other countries weather. ( I heard on the news this week that one country was beginning their fall season.) Thanks for the encouraging words. I hope that you will stay safe and not have extra pain in the rainy weather.

  8. Rhiann says:

    Hi Lisa, I hope you are doing as well as can be during these strange and unprecedented times. I know from experience and current circumstances that chronic pain is challenging enough without the lockdown and not being able to access the help and resources in order to cope, so I am so glad that you have been able to get your needed prescriptions. I am sorry to hear of your continued prolonged pain, I really hope that you are able to find something to help soon. In the meantime, I hope all your coping strategies continue to soothe you. Take care, Rhiann x

    • Lisa says:

      Thank you, Rhiann. We’ll just keep coping as best we can. It’s harder when we can’t go to appointments in person and have tests done. Hopefully, there will be a time soon when this will change. It’s scary, because we don’t really want to go for tests at the hospitals and possibly exposed to the virus. God bless you as you deal with these hard days.

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