A Beautiful And Painful Month
May is a beautiful month. Everything turns green and warmer breezes freshen the view. It’s my birthday month and the time to celebrate Mother’s Day. I love May. It’s a beautiful and painful month.
I’m happy to join A Chronic Voice for this Chronic Illness Linky. Our May prompts are fitting with the time of pandemic. I hope and pray that you are all safe and well. Here are some of my thoughts.
I should have Forseen the reality that I’m living in. Last May, I turned 57. I was dealing with all the same physical problems that I have now. I weighed about 20 pounds less on that day. I looked forward over the coming year and thought that improvements would happen.
I envisioned losing weight and feeling better. I hoped that there would be a new treatment that could have me with better health by this May. This didn’t happen. I gained more weight, still can’t tolerate exercise, and there are no new treatments. I still have all the crappy treatments that I had last year and I don’t feel any better.
When the reality of the pandemic hit me it was hard not to experience a feeling of panic. The knowledge of what the virus does to someone with many health conditions was truly frightening. After I decided that locking down was the only choice for me, it gradually became less scary.
With prayer and acceptance that this was the long-term reality for me, the panicking has gone away. I feel comfortable in the situation and continue to pray for me, my family, and all of us!
I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4
Wow! This term carries a ton of emotions. I don’t like to talk about this word. My upbringing created many conflicting feelings. In one way, I look at the facts of my upbringing: middle class, church-going, and protected. In other ways my upbringing created: stressful, unstable, and trauma-filled years.
The upbringing that I had did shape my character. I realized that I was a fighter and could survive anything. I became a hard-worker, honest, and determined. Those good character traits make me thankful and I can always say how much I learned from the bad times.
The pandemic lockdown has made accessing certain products more difficult. I’ve had to find new ways to purchase toilet paper! It’s not always been the best quality, but it works. I did fear the ability to access the Hydroxychloroquine that I’ve been taking for 2 years. I really worry each time that my prescription refill comes due. But, I’ve had no trouble getting it filled.
This drug, used to treat my Sjogren’s Syndrome, has been in short supply in many areas. I feel terrible for those who can’t get their prescriptions filled. Because I’m so used to shopping online, the new restrictions on shopping haven’t affected me at all.
This word is really nice. Soothing. When I think of soothing, I think of flowing water, a heating pad placed on a sore muscle, or the most peaceful music. During this time, I have been looking for more ways to soothe the stressful mood that comes. I’ve had some terrible days lately, with extra pain, nausea, and headaches.
As I’ve often said, many days of this type of suffering brings a depressive mood. There are only so many days in a row that I can take. As I’ve tried to avoid all Advil, because of my kidneys, my pain has been out of control.
The last few days I got to the point that I couldn’t take it any more. I am taking Advil now, and trying to limit how many I take. It’s so unfair that I have to sacrifice my kidneys in order to get a limited amount of pain relief.
With all the pain-causing conditions that I have, I should be able to get stronger pain medicine. Playing a balancing game that ends with kidney failure is a horrible predicament to find yourself in. Other countries do much better treating chronic pain than we do here. I pray that something will change.
@2020, copyright Lisa Ehrman
Disclaimer: I’m not a medical expert. My opinions here are not to be taken as medical advice. If you have a medical concern, please consult your personal physician.