Thoughts After Treatment

After my third phototherapy treatment yesterday, I immediately felt extremely nauseated. I imagined that it was from my lunch choice or motion sickness in the car. But, then I remembered how bad I felt after my second treatment. Today, I actually feel worse. I feel like I have the flu coming on and later in the day have severe nausea again. I believe this is all side-effects from the phototherapy.

Thoughtful Woman

My increase in itching is very annoying, but the worst side effect I’m having is the nausea. So, I am stuck here in the recliner just surviving the day as best I can. It really feels like a pity party because I’m just dwelling on my former life and how wonderful it was.

There’s nothing more perfect to me than fall weather. I wait for it all year and it makes me smile and feel utter joy. The chill in the air, the cool breezes, and the leaves turning and falling bring me to a new place of pure pleasure.

When I was younger and had the ability to function normally, I wanted to spend every moment of fall outdoors soaking up the perfect time of year. We always took trips to the mountains, went to football games, had picnics, and visited pumpkin patches, farms, and apple orchards.

I loved getting new fall outfits. I was in good shape and the fall colors made me feel beautiful. How I wish I could go back and be that same person. But, I won’t and can’t. I want to feel good and right. I hate this feeling of being sick, fat, and miserable.

I can’t do anything that I want to do. I’m captive and unable to change anything. Daydreaming about the life I miss and desire is all I can do today. Yes, I told you it was a pity party.

For people who aren’t taking cancer treatments, taking piles of pills, or facing horrible diagnosis’s, you can’t possibly relate. I wouldn’t expect you to. This is my life and I must live it. I must live it the best way I can. But in times like this, when I can’t hold my head up, I’m overwhelmed.

Autumn Tree

My husband mentioned yesterday that at least we can spend time together going to our appointments. He has stage 4 cancer and between us, we have appointments every day. I sometimes wonder how long we’ll be able to drive to appointments together. What will happen when he no longer feels like driving? Will I be able to hold it together and drive him? It sounds impossible.

I will continue to pray that he will heal and not get worse, that he won’t need me to drive him. We need God’s help. This is a day I’m going to have to lean on God for strength. Without God’s inner peace I’ll go crazy.

What are you going through? Are you overwhelmed with poor health? When I read the very familiar verse, “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me”, I see it differently than I did when I was healthier. I’m seeing that I can’t really do ALL things, but the things that I can do , I will be able to do them through the strength that only Christ can give. God bless you today.

@2021, copyright Lisa Ehrman

Disclaimer: I’m not a medical expert. This posts contains my experiences and opinions, and is not meant to be taken as medical advice. If you have a medical concern, please consult your personal physician.

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