Hard Feelings

Tomorrow is the last day of this visit with my daughter and her family. We’re staying at my parent’s house, which has lots of room. The very long staircase to our upstairs bedroom is very hard on my knees. Between the stairs and playing with my young grandchild, my knees have worked hard and they’re hurting. With limited internet reach, I’ve had to sit upright in a hard chair most of the time.

This has all led me to have extreme pain in my back and neck. I long for home where my recliner awaits. Working on the computer is only possible when my back and neck are fully supported. I wish there was some type of brace that could support my back and neck. This pain makes me angry.

When pain goes on and on it’s very damaging to me, physically and emotionally. I get to the point where I can’t think. I don’t feel like talking to people and I have to concentrate in order to focus on being present and civil. I just want to moan and cry, but I can’t. That’s one reason why trips are so hard for me.

No one wants to hear me complain about my pain. No one wants to see me frowning or silent. Family just want to have a nice visit and not even think about the problems I’m facing. I guess that it’s just human nature to ignore something that is impossible to fix.

It’s up to me to find a way to deal with my suffering and live above it. I know that many times I can’t even begin to live above it. I feel that when I can temporarily put the pain out of my mind, I can have a little time where I’m not exhibiting any pain. But when I am alone or just with my husband, I collapse.

My physical and emotional suffering can’t put on a happy face any longer and I just bottom out. I slump and give up for the rest of the day. At that point, I can’t hide my misery any longer.

When I get home after this trip I will want to get up and do things. But, I won’t. I’ll have to resort to resting in my pajamas for days if needed. It will take a lot of time to recover. Even though I’ve tried to pace myself, there is payment. It’s already begun.

I pray for energy to get a shower….to brush my teeth. Only God can really understand how I’m feeling. It’s the only thing that keeps me positive. I know that He is with me, even if I’m hurting. God doesn’t promise anyone an easy life, but He will be with me through it all.

Ps. 23

The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

@2021, copyright Lisa Ehrman

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