Those of us with chronic illness all seem to miss the life we had before we became sick. This ability to remember my past life causes me the most trouble in my goal of contentedness.
Lately, I find myself wanting to feel those carefree emotions that I felt before I struggled to function. Going from a person who planned fun, adventurous, and memorable events on a daily basis, to a person who often can’t get a shower, is traumatic. Just when I think I’ve overcome the grief of my lost life, I realize it’s an impossible feat.
Since I spend most of my days resting on the couch, I have plenty of time to think. I find myself longing to feel emotions that no longer are a natural part of my days. I’m talking about the emotions you feel when fall is coming and you can almost taste the change of seasons. I’m talking about the emotions you feel when you had a sweet and special date with your husband or the successful dinner you served to your best friends.
As I lay around all day, I sometimes feel a tiny emotion that I’ve felt in the past, but it’s fleeting. It’s like a cruel da je vu. My emotions tease me with an exciting and joyful feeling that I know I felt in my past. These teases cause me to want to fight harder to get healthier. If I could only take a magic pill or wave a wand!
Yes, I’ll continue my quest to get better, but my diseases have no cure. There will never be total wellness, without a miracle healing. My fight for a better life will continue by using everything at my disposal to improve. With God’s blessing, maybe something will work.
I know feelings are fickle and are not a reason to give up. Joy can be found, even when we suffer and have sad feelings. This is why I always pray and work at being grateful. Being thankful for the good things in my life does bring me joy.
@2017, copyright Lisa Ehrman