Chronic Illness, Contentment

Contentment Battle

Finding myself so discontent lately, that I know I’m failing to reach my goals.  When I first began writing about my desire to be content in chronic illness, I knew it would be a hard quality to reach.  Being content when you hurt every minute of the day is tough.

Contentment

When you have chronic illness/es, the fatigue puts you to bed.  I usually rest on the couch all day, and get up when I can to do a few things.  This gives me too much time to think.  Many days I can focus on God’s goodness and feel thankful.  But, there are too many days that I dwell on my old life: the one where I could participate in everything and work hard.

Focusing on the past, when I was normal, just makes me discontent.  Then, I see all the other people doing things, creating and participating in life.  I am jealous of them and their ability to function.  I find myself thinking about all the things I could be doing if I wasn’t sick.

This type of thinking brings about negative feelings, which don’t help me or anyone around me.  My family doesn’t need me to be negative, on top of everything else.  But, more importantly, I don’t need the negativity.  It not only makes me negative, it makes me useless.

rest

I believe that God wants me to be content where I am.  I’m hopeful that things can improve, with continued trials of doctors and medicines.  But, focusing on what if? why? and if someday? scenarios, isn’t right.  God will give me grace for the day, so I must live in the present.  Accepting His plan for me is so hard, but that is what I’m doing.

As I look forward to my POTS evaluation on November 27, I need to take this life one day at a time.  Giving up my old life and accomplishments, I must offer God what I have to give.  My broken body is all I have and I strive to be content in it.

@2017, copyright Lisa Ehrman

8 Comments

  1. gloria patterson

    I understand what you are saying. I am not quite as bad as you but there are some days that I don’t move around at all. I wear a fitbit my goal is 2000 steps not much but better than nothing. But we can dream and remember

    1. xaoti

      Well, that’s a great goal! I’m proud of you for that 🙂

  2. Hello, good to meet you from the Sunday Thoughts linkup. I don’t have the same struggle as you, but I am grateful for a glimpse into your world. It helps me gain new understanding. I hadn’t really considered being thankful for my physical ability to handle my many tasks. Thank you for this valuable perspective, and I pray that you will be blessed today.

    1. xaoti

      Thank you, Sarah. Your kind words are a real encouragement to me. I appreciate you visiting from the Sunday Thoughts linkup. Being chronically ill does create a new list of things to be thankful for, but thankfulness is the key. God bless 🙂

  3. Thank you for your authenticity and for sharing the hard stuff too – I believe God honors our desire to be content with Him in any circumstance or suffering. But I also think He wants us to come to Him with the hard days and our frustrations and grief as we struggle. What a joy it is to know that our savior knows about suffering and also offers comfort! May you feel His grace and comforting presence today. Stopping by from the MommyMoments Linkup

    1. xaoti

      You’re right. It truly is a joy when we focus on Christ and His grace 🙂 I appreciate your encouraging words and pray that you have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday.

  4. I know how you feel. It’s hard not to wish for the days when you could function more normally. It’s not just within you; society really does expect us to “produce” and we don’t experience this pining in a vaccuum. It’s not just wallowing, but I believe a natural response to this human condition. Sometimes it just has to be worked through in order to get to a place where you can enjoy your life again. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It will come.

    I find that there are days when the pain and fatigue are so unbearable they block everything good out and I worry others will consider me a burden when I can’t change my condition and start doing more. On those days sometimes it’s best to just sleep and re-charge. Then when I wake up I can start to look at those functions I still have left and what can be done with those that I enjoy.

    I think for those of us with chronic illness so much of our energy has to out of necessity be refocused on survival and self-preservation. People around us who are not sick may misunderstand this and think we’re being self-centered but really it’s just what we have to do in order to find the peace we seek.

    1. xaoti

      So many good things you’ve brought up! I understand what you’re saying and agree. I haven’t been taking those sleep and re-charge days in a while, and that’s worn me out.
      When you just want to be productive, skipping the re-charge step, is a mistake. It’s so easy to be impatient and unhappy with my circumstances. But, pulling back and re-evaluating what functions are possible certainly must cause us to focus on the positives more than the negatives.
      Thanks for sharing 🙂

Leave a Reply

Required fields are marked*

Healing Hashimoto's Summit 2017