Finding myself so discontent lately, that I know I’m failing to reach my goals. When I first began writing about my desire to be content in chronic illness, I knew it would be a hard quality to reach. Being content when you hurt every minute of the day is tough.
When you have chronic illness/es, the fatigue puts you to bed. I usually rest on the couch all day, and get up when I can to do a few things. This gives me too much time to think. Many days I can focus on God’s goodness and feel thankful. But, there are too many days that I dwell on my old life: the one where I could participate in everything and work hard.
Focusing on the past, when I was normal, just makes me discontent. Then, I see all the other people doing things, creating and participating in life. I am jealous of them and their ability to function. I find myself thinking about all the things I could be doing if I wasn’t sick.
This type of thinking brings about negative feelings, which don’t help me or anyone around me. My family doesn’t need me to be negative, on top of everything else. But, more importantly, I don’t need the negativity. It not only makes me negative, it makes me useless.
I believe that God wants me to be content where I am. I’m hopeful that things can improve, with continued trials of doctors and medicines. But, focusing on what if? why? and if someday? scenarios, isn’t right. God will give me grace for the day, so I must live in the present. Accepting His plan for me is so hard, but that is what I’m doing.
As I look forward to my POTS evaluation on November 27, I need to take this life one day at a time. Giving up my old life and accomplishments, I must offer God what I have to give. My broken body is all I have and I strive to be content in it.
@2017, copyright Lisa Ehrman