Chronic Illness, Contentment

The Trials Of A Trial

My new drug trial has been a real bummer.  The side effects contributed to my missing my relatives wedding.  After making such a long trip to attend this lovely event, I couldn’t even go.

trials

The side effects of Gabapentin have been annoying so far.  I wake up with dizziness when I try to walk.  The drowsiness has gotten better after the first few days.  And, because this is a seizure drug, I’m having the same side effect as when I took Topamax.  I have started to type like I’m dyslexic.  All the letters are coming out in a scrambled mess.

After giving up on this trip, we left and we’re almost home.  It just didn’t work out.  This was just another unhappy result of my chronic illnesses.

Before leaving for this trip, I had a bad feeling that I wasn’t strong enough to go through with it.  I was right.  But, no one can blame me for not trying.

Many people say, failure is not an option, but, it is.  When you live with chronic sickness you know that it is your reality.  You will fail sometimes, and that is just ok.  Trying and failing is part of life.  We get up and try again, and again, and again.

medicine

Sometimes I feel guilty or depressed about failing.  But, failing at being healthy is something that is beyond my control.  Getting upset or mad at myself for being too sick to function is unacceptable.

I’m so grateful for my family.  They’re willing and happy to be with me, no matter how bad I feel.  Each day with them is a day that I feel blessed by God.  I may miss many events in this life, but the ones I make it to bring me so much genuine appreciation for the opportunity.

@2018, copyright Lisa Ehrman

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2 Comments

  1. Lisa, you make such a great point about it being okay to fail…. As you said, trying and failing is a part of life, and when we live with chronic illness, especially, we have to learn to let go of the perceived failure and try again. Sometimes it turns out that “failure” isn’t a failure at all, but part of a learning process that will help us in the long run….

    1. xaoti

      Thanks, Terri. You are so right about the learning process. We become wiser in our approach to dealing with chronic illness and the emotional roller-coaster that we’re put on.

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