Today my shopping experience was sensible. Instead of torturing myself walking around the store I went with my husband. I used the wheelchair and hubby pushed me around. It wasn’t the prettiest sight. The store wheelchair was uncomfortable, but at least I didn’t get so tired.
I shouldn’t be embarrassed by being in a wheelchair, but I confess that I feel uncomfortable. I obviously am able to walk and people see that when I walk into a store. But, I am very aware that any object that can help me to function better is a good thing.
I read an interesting article on The Mighty about ableism. This is a word that I only heard about two years ago. I’m not a fan of labels, but ableism is real. Unfortunately, I am often using ablest thoughts toward myself. I am sometimes my worst enemy. I mentally damage myself with negative thoughts about myself and my disabilities.
One example is associating worth with productivity. I was raised to value production over everything. Being a workaholic was the best choice, so I dutifully became one. The value in accomplishing things became the most important thing. I still fight the battle to live in that type of existence.
I began blogging as a way to feel productive. Now, I know that there is so much more to it than that. Blogging is a satisfying outlet and therapy for me. I will continue to tell myself that my worth is not tied to my productivity. That’s the truth.
Another thing I struggle with is that my ability to get well is not something I can control or contribute to. I didn’t cause my illnesses and I can’t fix them. I will live with them and I will live with them the best way I can. I won’t accept blame for not getting well.
Every day living with these chronic illnesses is a new battle. Some days I fight and some days I give up. Every day is difficult mentally, because when the pain is too severe, it also affects the mind. The longer I deal with this roller coaster, I find that it’s a little easier to give up and survive on certain days. It’s easier to find peace.
I hope that you’re having a day that doesn’t leave you flustered. With the holiday chaos, I hope that you’ll find a flow that you can tolerate. I hope you find peace.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer. Ps 19:14
@2021, copyright Lisa Ehrman
Disclaimer: I’m not a medical expert. This post contains my experiences and opinions and is not meant to be taken as medical advice. If you have a medical concern, please consult your personal physician.