I’m now at my parent’s home. My dad has just passed away yesterday, and thankfully I was here in time to see him. He had been moved to hospice care and was close to death when I arrived. Losing a parent is hard and I’m sure will be more so in the days to come.
My physical fatigue is real after making the trip and I totally feel my age. After walking through the hospital and standing up too much yesterday, I awoke with severe pain in my feet. My feet felt broken and pain was shooting up my legs. I decided that I needed to stay off of my feet today, so I really did my best.
Making the choice to wear my Birkenstocks all day seemed to be a good way to keep from bending my toes and aggravating the arthritis in my big toes. I’m thankful that kind friends of my parents brought food today. I didn’t have to cook, which really helped me to stay off my feet.
My emotions are a little strained right now and being surrounded by a large group of family members isn’t helping. Everyone has a different experience with grief and some people are givers where others are takers.
Many times people don’t understand my inability to work and carry my load. Understanding and social norms are all based on the assumption that people are healthy. Those of us with chronic illness (and especially invisible illness) are lucky if people try to understand us. We don’t want to be pitied, but our illnesses make us different.
Even if I’m thinking that family or friends really get my limitations, when things get real I am attacked with statements, saying that I never do anything to help. If only I could do all the work that I could do years ago! Working through the pain so that I end up in a bad flare is not worth it.
When I was young my only painful health problem was scoliosis. I pushed through the pain because I was young and still had adequate energy. I didn’t think about what would happen to me as I got older. I never dreamed that I could get so many diseases/conditions.
I feel pretty defeated, physically. The next few days will be trying and I’ll be in survival mode. It’s not comfortable to have to accept loads of condolences, even though I do appreciate them. As an introvert, it will be overwhelming to be surrounded by large groups of people.
The hard times mean that I have to take it one day at a time…sometimes one minute at a time.