I Need To Be Strong

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Having one chronic illness is bad enough, but I know many of you have more than one…..often, many more. I fall into that last phrase. A diagnosis isn’t a self- claimed disease or disorder. A diagnosis is given to you from a qualified specialist or doctor. It’s very surreal to look through my list. I usually try to only think of one diagnosis at a time.

I Need To Be Strong: With Chronic Illnesses Progressing I Need Strength From God

Unfortunately, I haven’t closed my list. The dermatologist is baffled. I may never know what this twice biopsied rash really is.

My newest specialist is trying to diagnose me. He’s a neurologist who specializes in motion disorders (specifically Essential Tremor, Myoclonus & Parkinson’s. During this appointment, he didn’t see much change. There were a few movements that stood out, though.

He said that one of my hand motion tests was a type of symptom found in Parkinson’s. Again, I feel surreal. I keep a straight face and show concern but no sadness. I show that I can take it and I am tough…a seasoned patient.

I am a seasoned patient but I am not tough. I’m thinking of what each of these diseases will do to me. They are all terrifying. Before now, I only had invisible illnesses. This is not invisible. When I walk a few feet, I often feel so light-headed that I think I’m going to faint or fall. That happened today and I had to hold onto things in the store and then lean up against the wall.

Because of this I’m using a cane more and more. If I forget it, I always regret it. My jerks (myoclonus) are getting more often and cause me to create a mess.

We are traveling to see one of our children and walked out of the hotel. As I got in the car hubby handed me a thermos of coffee. It wasn’t sweet so I was going to add another packet. I unscrewed the lid and I either let it slip from my hands or my left hand had a jerk.

The large thermos of hot coffee landed all over me and steam came of my clothes. I was so upset. Not only did I have to change all my clothes and shoes, but now my seat was soaked. I have never ever dropped anything like that. I immediately thought of my motion disorder.

Was this a symptom that was telling me something? I’m not sure, but my mind was screaming, “Do I have Parkinson’s?” I can find out pretty soon.

The doctor is having me schedule a DaTSCAN to give me a diagnosis or not. This is different from an MRI, but I will have an injection while the scanner looks at my brain. I can probably get this done before the end of this month.

I feel nervous and in shock, but will be glad and relieved to know the real diagnosis. Are you like me….just wanting to know the facts? I don’t want a bunch of fluff. I want the doctor to tell it like it is. I know others are different and that’s great, because we’re all different.

It’s best for us to take one day at a time, but sometimes it is just too difficult. I’m thankful that God is faithful, even when my contentment and faith are weak. I love the verse that contains the phrase “When I am weak, then I am strong” and I have changed my understanding of this verse after becoming sick.

When I was young this Bible verse was a bit confusing. It really is understood to mean that “weak” is weak from all these disease symptoms. Then I am strong means that when God is holding me up I feel strong. I have truly felt a new and wonderful strength that could only come from God.

The more I remind myself that God is faithful, the more I can rejoice and enjoy contentment.

@2023, copyright Lisa Ehrman

Disclaimer: I’m not a medical expert. This post contains my opinions and experiences and is not meant to be taken as medical advice. If you have a medical concern, please consult your personal physician.

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