Just Staying In Place

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I’ve been home for four days and am finally feeling back to normal. My normal may be pretty bad, but I feel the most comfortable in my own home. There are many reasons why that’s true, but one of them became crystal clear on a recent trip.

When I attended my nephew’s wedding, the dresses for the formal wedding and rehearsal dinner were very pretty. When I saw the dresses online, I could just imagine wearing them. I hadn’t dressed up in a long while.

When the dresses arrived I was eager to try them on. They both fit and didn’t need hemming so I felt relieved. The beautiful dresses looked so great on the hanger, but didn’t do me any favors.

When I’m home it’s so easy to be comfortable in my yoga pants and cute tunic tops. In these “outfits” it’s easy to forget how I look in fitted clothes. When I attended the wedding and dinner, I felt self-conscious about my weight. I knew that I needed to lose a lot of weight, but this event reminded me of how much.

Not only does the extra weight hurt my looks, but it’s helped to make me a pre-diabetic. I’m sure that it’s not helping my heart or any other part of my body.

Now, I’m definitely not one who thinks that losing weight will change my chronic illnesses. I had almost all of these diagnoses before I started gaining. My hysterectomy was the actual beginning of my weight gain. And, many of the medications I take also cause weight gain.

Three days ago I began the 18/6 Intermittent Fasting plan. I’ve lost 4 pounds and the best part is that it’s really easy. I haven’t felt hungry or sick from it. I ordinarily have nausea every day, but not since I’ve started.

Knowing my body, that could change any moment and then I would have to tell you about another diet failure. But, for now, I’m enjoying it.

I should be wanting to lose weight for my health, but that hasn’t been enough to motivate me.

Over the decades of being sick, my mindset has gone through many stages. It can be found to follow the stages of grief. I’ve been through them all, many times.

The last few months were difficult for me because I was in denial. Thanks to my doctor, I was getting my hopes up for better health. After very expensive trials, I found that there was no benefit. This made me angry…at the doctor and at myself.

When I’m offered the chance to possibly improve, I sometimes go with it because it sounds so convincing. It makes me mad, because I should have known better. After thinking a lot about the situation on my trip, I decided that I needed to accept my body.

I started remembering how much money I had spent on expensive infusions and how much time I had wasted. At my appointment yesterday, I had planned to tell the doctor that I was done with this type of treatment, but I’m not always as brave as I should be.

When he gave me another list of things he wanted me to try, I spoke up. I told him exactly how I felt when I looked at the list…..I told him I felt terrified. It wasn’t the type of terrified you might feel watching a horror movie. It was the type of terrified that I feel, knowing that I can’t do all those things.

I admitted that I would do one of the things (that I planned to do anyway). And, I can be more brave next time. Sometimes I need to be brave a little bit at a time. Accepting my body and bad health is something I do intentionally.

I’ve come to the point that I’m accepting bad skin and dozens of other symptoms, but I am making a choice to accept that my weight needs to be reduced.

I hope I’ll soon look better in my dress.

@2024, copyright Lisa Ehrman

Disclaimer: I’m not a medical expert. This post contains my opinions and experiences and is not meant to be taken as medical advice. If you have a medical concern, please consult your personal physician.

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