This week is been beautiful in the mid-west! Even though we had one rain-storm, we’re now being blessed with cooler temperatures and sunny skies. I feel so blessed to be in an area that hasn’t been dealing with Ida and the devastation.
I continue to have stabbing pain in my head late at night. It seems to be caused by my eyes. They are so very dry at night, and I continue to read. I’m guessing that the eye strain is causing the sharp pains in my head. I’m taking advil and using eye drops.
I guess I need to try the Xiidra drops again. I have dreaded doing this because of the nausea and vomiting that occurs after some doses. The dripping down my throat is so gross. I do my best to prevent that by holding my finger over the tear duct.
I don’t mean to be self-destructive in letting this eye pain go on and on. I have seen myself procrastinate doing things that should be helpful for my health. I don’t think I’m lazy, but knowing what side-effects will occur with certain treatments, makes me very hesitant to follow through.
Overall, I feel so grateful to be alive and functioning. But, when I don’t follow through on good self-care or helpful treatments, I feel horrible about myself. Just like my body is a screwed up and complicated machine that always has warning lights flashing, my mind is constantly dealing with so many emotions. My emotional roller coaster happens because during every single day I’ll feel: happy, exhausted, angry, grateful, afraid, shocked, worried, and helpless.
There’s no way to really explain this, but if you live with multiple chronic illnesses you probably understand what I’m saying. We live in a complex place. We look at healthy people and see something that seems almost unreal to us. I know that I really can’t remember what it feels like to feel good….to not feel pain.
I can visualize myself back in the day when I actually had normal energy levels. But it was so long ago and I don’t see that it will ever come back. My life goes on because God has a purpose for me here. Every day I try to ask Him to guide me in living it. Although I don’t look very productive to most people, I know that the lives I touch are included in the purpose.
Today I’ll be praying for everyone suffering because of the storms, and offering myself grace when I’m not able to do everything available to me that may help me.
@2021, copyright Lisa Ehrman
